Caring For Loved Ones at
Life’s End
An old Irish proverb says, “it is in the shelter of each other that the people live.” Indeed, we are created to depend upon one another and walk together in suffering. But when family members or friends approach life’s end, we
may not know how to best “shelter” them.
Here are some concrete ways we can compassionately care for them.
Invite God In
Pope Francis has said that “praying in difficult situations is like opening
the door to the Lord, in order that he might enter.”
The dying process is a sacred time – a final season to seek closure in this life and prepare for the next in
the hope of sharing in Christ’s Resurrection. As you enter into this
season with your friend of family member, ask God to accompany both of you.
Listen
Try to discover your loved one’s values and how
best to honor his or her wishes. This requires true empathy.
It can be hard not to assume he or she wants the same thing you think you would want if you were in the same
situation. Listen with a non-judgmental ear so your loved one feels free
to speak openly.
Inform
Yourself
Be aware
that a person’s wishes for refusing ordinary or proportionate treatment – or for pursing assisted suicide –
are usually rooted in fears of dependency, helplessness, or pain. Make yourself
available to discuss these or any concerns. Know that hospice care focuses on alleviating pain and other symptoms, meet basic
needs, and providing comfort. Seek to understand the Catholic Church’s
teaching on end-of-life care, which can help you provide authentically loving support
that respects life.
Be
Steadfast in Compassion
As Pope Francis reminds us, “Compassion means ‘suffer with’.”
Your friend or family member will likely face ups and downs. Recognize
these as part of a natural process. Surround him or her with love, support,
and companionship that are “anchored in unconditional respect for their human dignity, beginning with respect for the
inherent value of their lives” [USCCB]. The patient’s suffering
can be alleviated by your empathy, as well as by quality hospice care by medical personnel.
Help Them Achieve Closure
Help your family member or friend
define the unfinished personal projects, financial concerns, unresolved relationships, or other matters that occupy his or
her mind. Due to changing circumstances, some goals may need to be reframed.
Creating and accomplishing this list of unfinished business can help the person discover a sense of purpose and feel more
at peace.
Provide
Opportunities for Resolution
Ira Byock, a hospice medical director, illustrates in his book The 4 Most Important Things, how
saying “I love you,” “I am sorry,” “I forgive you,” and “Thank you” can promote
much-needed healing during the dying process. You can help ensure a peaceful
transition for your loved one by facilitating opportunities for reconciliation with others and for mutual expressions of love
and gratitude. Consider offering to invite a priest to hear his or her confession
and to administer the Eucharist as viaticum and the Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick, all of which help the soul and
prepare us to meet the Lord.
Reminisce
Our appetites may diminish as our bodies experience a decreased need for food
and fluids when we near life’s end. Provide smaller amounts of your
family member or friend’s favorite foods. Even if unable to eat them,
he or she may still enjoy the aromas and reminisce with your about special memories they evoke.
Think of other small comforts you can provide that would spark meaningful memories, like special photos or mementos.
Provide a Peaceful Presence
There comes a time of natural withdrawal
from surroundings when dying persons may lose interest in many activities that used to be enjoyable.
Your own quiet, patient presence can provide important support as your loved one prepares emotionally and spiritually
for his or her passing. Hearing can become very acute, so placing the phone
in another room, playing favorite music, reading a favorite passage, praying together, or simply sitting quietly with him
or her can all be very soothing.
Show Tenderness
Those who are dying remain in need of the tenderness of personal human contact. Ask if you might gently brush your loved one’s hair, apply lotion to her
hands or feet, or simply hold his hand. Tell stories, laugh, and share memories
to reassure the person he or she is a cherished gift, not a burden in any way.
Bear Their Transition Patiently
Transition, the time immediately
preceding death, may bring rapid physical changes, such as in breathing patterns, as well as changes in mental or emotional
states. Try to be patient, and allow the “how” and “when”
of death to be between God and your loved one. Ask God for the wisdom to know what final words to say – if any – and when.
As you are able, give your loved one permission to make the transition. For
example, you might say, “I love you. It’s okay to go home now.”
Accompanying a loved one in his
or her last days is enormously important, but we do not need to fear our own limitations.
Pope Francis tells us, “[God] comes to assist us in our weakness. And
his help consists in helping us accept his presence and closeness to us. Day
after day, touched by his compassion, we also can become compassionate towards others.
